Cup with word "goodbye" on it. ()
The idea behind “The Spouses Speak” series was to ask the same set of questions to spouses across the military branches who have been married to a military member for differing amounts of time. Stars and Stripes received 138 responses from six military branches, ranging in age from 19 years old to 57 years old. These spouses are currently stationed at locations all over the world with almost 20 percent being OCONUS (outside the continental U.S.). Spouses who have been married for one month through 28 years responded. Recently, we have covered topics like living in Europe, home life, the perks and joys of military life, as well as fears and issues, and now life outside of the military.
It seemed fitting to end this five-month series talking about where and when military life “ends.” This month we are asking spouses who they are outside of the military lifestyle and where they see themselves post-military life. Their visions of life after their service member spouse gets out of the military are varied, and it provides an interesting insight into what they choose to do after PCS orders have lost their power.
Military life can mean giving up jobs, holding off on having kids, restricting the number and kind of pets you can have, and it inevitably controls so many aspects of your life. In a world where military spouses are expected to move with little notice, become the primary parent and pet care giver and, ultimately still be second to the mission, it can be overwhelming and overall life-consuming. However, with more options for jobs, schooling, hobbies, fandoms, and volunteering, it is becoming much easier to have an identity outside of “military spouse.”
When we asked spouses how they defined themselves outside of being a military spouse, every spouse had their own interpretation of what that meant. Marine Corps spouse Elle S. proclaimed, “I am a lot of things! I am an Indigenous Woman, a crafter, a nerd, a mom, friend, an amateur foodie [and] a jack of all trades.” Air Force Spouse Tiffany I. claimed, “I am [an] optimistic realist with big dreams.”
Some spouses said that being a military spouse was just a part of who they are. Marine spouse Milinda R. stated that, “I will always be a military spouse. After 30 years, it is part of my DNA, and I am not unhappy about that…. I am not only a military spouse, but it is part of who I am.” Air Force spouse Jennifer R. said, “I AM a mother and a military spouse. I have hobbies and interests and they help to define me as well.” There were spouses that didn’t have such a positive point of view when it came to the integrating “military spouse” as a part of their identity or their choices outside of this lifestyle. Navy spouse KaDee F. defined herself as “fiercely independent” but added the caveat of “being a military spouse, no matter how much I’ve tried to fight it, definitely impacts the level of independence I can maintain.” Army spouse Andrea F. noted that “I am a mother. It’s hard not feel[ing] a little resentful that sometimes it seems that’s the only option the Army gives us.”
On the other end of the spectrum, some spouses don’t define themselves as a military spouse at all. Navy spouse Stephanie C. declared “being a military spouse doesn’t really even come to mind when I am defining myself because, to me, my spouse’s career doesn’t impact who I am as a person, it’s just a facet of our life together…an annoyingly massive controlling facet.” Army spouse Beth I. expressed, “I have never defined myself as a military spouse: I have my own career. I am [an] adventurer, an outdoorsy person.”
Word cloud created by using https://www.wordclouds.com/ | Tamala Malerk
Whether or not spouses define themselves as part of the military community, there will come a time when their exposure to the military will slow down or halt entirely. For some spouses, it may be a few short years and for others, that might be 20 or more years, but there will be a transition from the military life. We were curious to see how spouses envisioned their life after the military. Much like the aforementioned definitions outside of the military, while there were some common ideas like “staying in one spot,” there were no two answers that were the same when spouses were asked about life after the military. Some spouses dreamed big, some just wanted some “normalcy” and “stability” and some spouses such as Army spouse Michelle S. kept their answers short and sweet and simply replied, “different.”
Army spouses Rachel H. and Bethany S. both have lofty dreams of opening animal sanctuaries. Bethany S. planned on “buying a home, some land and giving a safe place for senior dogs who need homes.” Rachel H. dreamed of running a “dog sanctuary for less adoptable pets and allow them a chance to live a bit while actively seeking permanent homes for them,” and added that “I’d also love to have chickens and a few goats, in addition to several horses.”
Some spouses equated life after the military with different or better career prospects. Coast Guard spouse Misty M. declared that “I will finally be able to start my own business.” Army spouse Sara P. noted how “we’d love to open [a] bakery by the beach.”
For many spouses it was all about getting to spend more time with their service member spouses. Navy spouse Alyssa S. stated, “spending a lot more time with [my] husband is the main thing I envision.” Dvija M. proclaimed that “my husband is my best friend…and he wants to play D&D…and get involved with his local theater groups. I love theater and gaming with my husband.”
Quite a few spouses had no idea what life post-military will entail. Navy spouse Christine W. exclaimed “believe it or not, after 22 years of service, we still have no clue what we want to do when we grow up.” Marine Corps spouse Sarah E. stated, “I honestly can’t imagine what life will be like after my husband retires.”
No matter how you define yourself, spouses are an integral part of the military community. They become organizational masters, lead Soldier and Family Readiness Groups, spouse groups, volunteer, solo parent kids, pets and plants, and can move in a moment’s notice. A majority know how to whip up a civilian resume many times over by the time their active military spouse is ready to write their first one post-separation or retirement. While they play such an important part, it can also be important for them to form an identity outside of “military spouse” especially when the time comes when the military is no longer a part of their lives.
Over the past few months, the Spouses Speak series has covered topics such as living in Europe, kids, work, school, dreams (and dreams deferred), travel, moving and so much more. If you would like your voice heard, keep your eyes on our Facebook, Instagram and Twitter pages in 2023 for the next survey.
